Friday, July 5, 2013

Movies So Bad, You Have To See Them: Angelfist

Every once in awhile there comes a movie so awful, you can't take your eyes off of it. Angelfist is one of those movies. This gem of a martial arts movie is from 1991 and Roger Corman served as executive producer. Those of you familiar with him should know exactly what to expect.

The film's hero is Katara/Kat, an FBI agent who travels to the Philippines to investigate the murder of her sister, a photographer who captured images of an assassination. Along the way she meets a doofus who calls himself Alcatraz, a trainer who has seen too many reruns of Magnum P.I. and a stripper named Lorda. She also gets into a few fights.

Kat is played by the late Catya Sassoon. If her last name is familiar, it should be. Her father is the great Vidal. Catya died of an accidental overdose in 2002 and leaves behind a husband and three children. She was at one time the World Karate Association's North American Champion. Catya's martial arts background salvaged the fight scenes, keeping them just above the dreadful level. Even the scene where Kat fights off multiple intruders while topless was awful, albeit visually pleasing. One can even ignore the fact Catya's breasts are loaded with silicone during this scene. Despite looking good while fighting, Catya looks silly when using any type of firearm. And the character of Kat must also be very into hygiene because she showers three times during this movie.

Now lets me say something about the male lead. Alcatraz is played by an actor named Michael Shaner. I don't expect you to recognize his name because I sure as hell didn't. Shaner's most famous role to date is still that of the jumper in Lethal Weapon. That being said, he handles his job of playing a complete tool perfectly.

To avenge her sister's death, Kat must take on a group called the Black Brigade. (I can't even give them points for originality there.) To accomplish this, she must enter a kickboxing tournament called the Kubate. Again, this is not the most original of story lines, but even poorly choreographed female kickboxing can keep the attention of most average audiences. What couldn't keep my attention was the man who helped train Kat for this tournament. He was a cross between Tom Selleck and Danny Trejo and just straight-up awful.

Throw into this movie b-level, b-movie actress Melissa Moore who plays (surprise, surprise) the stripper. Even more so, she plays a stripper who knows how to kickbox.

Angelfist is everything you would expect from a low budget martial arts movie. It's loaded with roll-your-eyes bad dialogue, horrible fight scenes, and campy violence. The bad guys lack substance and the male lead is a complete bozo. There is no chemistry between Sassoon and Shaner. Most porn films have better acting. So why should you watch this? Because it's that damn bad. It's one of those movies so horrible and so facepalmingly bad, you must see it at least once. It's not the worst way to kill 80 minutes of your life. And it is no worse than any of the direct-to-dvd garbage Steven Seagal has released in the past half-decade. So keep your eyes open at used dvd stores for this movie. Watch it once and pass it along to your friends.


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